Motherhood

     One definition of "mother" is a woman who has conceived, given birth to, or raised a child in the role of a parent.  However, due to the complexity and differences of a mother's social, cultural, and religious definitions and roles, it is challenging to define a mother to suit a universally accepted definition.

     I am the incredibly proud mother of two beautiful boys, who are now actually men.  It is an incredible gift to me to look at them now and see that they are both loving, thoughtful people.  Raising a child is the hardest job I have ever had (and I have had a lot of jobs!).  You worry about everything from the time they are born and then one day, you realize your job is over.  You never stop loving and supporting them.  However, I hope I am giving each of them a gift by letting them lead their own lives and make their own decisions.  My journey of motherhood would have been much more difficult without the encouragement, love, support, time, dedication and prayers from many wonderful people and I thank each and everyone of you!

     Happy Mother's Day!

The Many Faces of Grief

According to Merriam Webster's definition, grief is a deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.  The catalyst for grief can come from a variety of circumstances including aging parents, loss of a home, divorce, physical decline and/or loss of a job.  With the frequency of these life events along with the upheaval in the Middle East and tragedies in Japan, it seems that grief is all around us.  However, because everyone's journey through the grieving process is so different, it is not always easy to be empathetic to others or ourselves.  What are some of the most effective and compassionate ways you have expressed concern for those who are grieving?  How long is too long to grieve?  What signs trigger the need for professional intervention?

The Parent-Child Relationship

     I am still processing the grief of losing both of my parents and, in that process, have thought a lot about the parent-child relationship.  Not only from my perspective as a child but as a parent of adult children.  What would I do different if I could do it over?  What have I learned?
     It is incredibly freeing to realize that my parents did the best they could.  My view of them was primarily based on our parent-child relationship.  However, that was just a part of who they were.  I hope my boys know that I did and am continuing to do the best I can as a parent.  However, it is very difficult to know how to encourage, support and teach valuable life lessons without being overbearing or intrusive.
     Even if you do not have children of your own, you have probably struggled with the parent-child relationship or a quasi parent-child relationship.  What were/are some of your biggest struggles and how did you handle them?

What Would You Risk for "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness"?

     The civilians of Egypt, Tunisia and now Libya have risked literally everything for an opportunity to obtain liberty rights similar to those that we are born with as Americans.  Watching this incredible sacrifice has reminded me of the value of these amazing rights.  We may not agree with everything our government does but we have the right to voice our disagreements and make changes.  If the threat of losing our liberty rights was real, what would you risk to regain them?  Your house?  Food and water?  Your life?  Your child's life?  Do you value the right to vote?  Are you teaching your children the value of the right to vote?

Are You Sure Mom Has Dementia?

     Just because Mom might be showing signs of memory loss does not necessarily mean she has dementia or Alzheimer's.  There are numerous factors that can impact cognitive ability.  Disrupted sleep; medication for pain, heart problems, infections, etc.; recent surgery; depression; stress and vitamin deficiencies are just a few of the factors that can have a negative impact on Mom's memory.  Many well-intentioned doctors and/or family members too quickly jump to a diagnosis/conclusion of dementia or Alzheimer's with an elderly person.  An incorrect diagnosis/conclusion can result in the loss of a person's liberty rights and could potentially create a cycle of decline even though Mom's cognitive abilities are in line with her age and level of education.  Therefore, please take the time to make sure that Mom's memory loss cannot be attributed to some other factor before pursuing legal measures.

Do Your Assets Compliment or Hinder Your Estate Plan?

     One of the most common misconceptions that I run into with clients is a misunderstanding about the importance of asset titling and the types of assets that are not governed by a Last Will and Testament.

     Assets that name a surviving joint tenant or designate a beneficiary (i.e. 401(k), IRA, life insurance, bank account) are not governed by a Last Will and Testament.  The only assets that are governed by a Last Will and Testament are those assets that are titled solely in the decedent's name and do not designate a beneficiary.  Therefore, if Mom lists her oldest child as a joint tenant on her residence and designates him or her as a beneficiary on her IRA to "avoid probate", her house and IRA will pass solely to her oldest child even if her Last Will and Testament names all three of her children.  In this scenario, even if the oldest child decides to honor Mom's wishes and divide the house and IRA with his or her two siblings, there are tax ramifications.  In most cases, the oldest child will simply take the distribution of the house and IRA.  Unfortunately, this usually results in permanent damage to family relationships, which is not what Mom wanted.

Can Mom Continue to Stay in Her Home?

     Moving into a retirement community is a big change for a senior.  Very often, he or she has lived in his or her home for a long time.  If the decision to move is not initiated by the senior, it can be a very negative change that may increase emotional distress and family turmoil.

     However, with the advancement of technology, there are a variety of devices that can prolong a senior's ability to stay in his or her home.  There are now sensors that can detect if the senior does not get out of bed or out of a favorite chair as well as detecting that the stove has not been turned off.  In addition, there are devices that monitor blood pressure, respiration and other conditions to minimize the number of visits to a doctor's office and will notify family members of a significant change.

     Evaluating whether or not a senior is still able to live at home alone can be a difficult process.  While safety is the most important factor, the senior's preference is also an important factor.  The availability of technological devices should be thoroughly researched and utilized, if possible, to honor a senior's desire to remain in his or her home.

Should People Be Able to Discriminate Against Caregivers?

     Sometimes people who are in need of a caregiver insist on a particular race, gender or sexual orientation.  Should this be allowed?  Most states have a version of the Patient's Bill of Rights, which gives patients the right to weigh in on the care that he or she receives.  In some states, these rights include the right to an "accommodation of individual needs and preferences."

     However, two recent Court of Appeals cases struck down the ability of a nursing home to thwart care from certain caregivers based on the discriminatory preferences of the patient.

     What do you think?

No One is Immune From Aging

An increase in the awareness and empathy for seniors will not only benefit seniors but will also prepare ourselves for the inevitable.  With the exploding elder population, there is an endless supply of organizations who need young, vibrant volunteers!  Get out there and help someone; you will be amazed at how much difference a little help will make.

End-of-Life Decisions

Have you talked to your spouse/partner/family about your end-of-life decisions?  Have you even thought about your end-of-life decisions?  The advancement of medical technology can keep someone alive for a very long time.  Is that what you want under any circumstances?  Who will make your decisions if you are incapacitated, temporarily or permanently?  What will you do if you are designated to make end-of-life decisions for a parent but the two of you never discussed his or her views on the subject?

Please share any thoughts or experiences.

Unethical Representation

An 89 year old woman was referred to me to provide her with legal advice about the probate of her son's estate.  After meeting with this incredibly astute woman, I discovered that her attorney had unnecessarily opened her son's estate and charged her over $30,000.00 in legal fees!  It is astounding to me that a professional would take advantage of someone in this way.

Have you had a similar experience?  If so, how did you handle it?